One of the biggest things that I struggle with on a daily basis is insecurity (I know, I know, OBVIOUSLY, right?). I find that I’ll start to look at things going on around me and draw unnecessary conclusions from them- something I affectionately refer to as “spiraling.” It’s when stuff around me combined with little whispered lies from the enemy lead me down quite a lonely path. For those of you who have watched Grey’s Anatomy, another way to refer to it is as a case of “The Dark and Twisties.”
The thing that I’ve learned about insecurity is that it doesn’t always come out of nowhere. Sometimes the things in your life are not ideal, and what’s happening around you doesn’t always reflect the good promises of the life God has for you. Sometimes you try to find a good thing, but you can’t, and all the evidence is screaming at you that you failed. And, damn if that’s not the most fragile place to find yourself, because it’s the fork in the road, where you could end up too far down the wrong path.
So this is the part where I get honest and raw about the thoughts that I have. I promised myself that if I was going to write, that I would be nothing but truthful.
I have spent a few months searching for community, for Christian friends to surround myself with, the kind of people who cheer for each other and speak truths into each other’s lives. In my search, I hit barrier after barrier, setbacks and rejection. It’s hard for me to see that and not feel like I am too damaged, too far-gone for anyone to invest in. On my worst days, the facts outweigh my strength, and sometimes I succumb to the spiral. I begin to create my own conclusions: That I’ll never have people, that people will always only see the broken places that I’ve been, that I just can’t be loved anymore. It’s days like those where, if I do nothing, it is almost impossible to stop.
But that’s not who I am anymore. I am refusing to let that go on the way it was. The way my brain has been, where it believes all the thoughts, twisty as they may be, is not a way for me to live- for me to be healthy.
The trouble with my current life is that I am alone 98% of the time. I don’t mean that I’m lonely, because after spending months unable to see and feel Jesus, I am relishing in the joy of a daily walk with Him. What I mean is that whatever I’m doing; going to Target, eating dinner, working out, going to church- I am by myself. So it poses a more difficult scenario where I have to find a way to keep my thoughts accountable on my own.
My solution to said problem came in the form of “The Car Monologues.” I call them that- but they are really just me, speaking out loud what is going on, potentially stating obvious things, how I’m feeling, what my thoughts are telling me, etc. Then I get wherever I’m going and I write it all down. It’s a funny thing, writing. Seeing the words written out opens up a completely new perspective- and I can usually see the fallacy of what I have been feeling. It also helps to get my bible out, and break it down, line-by-line, comparing what I’ve written to the promises in His word.
When you are in a situation like mine, it is easy to fall into the trap, to get stuck in a certain way of living and thinking. What I’ve found is that it’s way more work to fight, but I’ve got to think that after every bout, I am stronger, more capable, and more understanding to the pain around me. So maybe it’s not the worst thing.
All my love,