I’ve been meaning to write something for the last couple of weeks, but if I’m honest, the last couple of weeks have been hard. Between being sick and coming to some hard realizations about my recovery, there hasn’t been anything that I felt like sharing. Today I decided that my circumstances don’t get to dictate what I do or don’t do. So here goes.
Lately I’ve found myself thinking about a specific memory from a while back that I didn’t realize was so significant to me. In the memory I was visiting a church out of town, one that I had never been to before, and one that I knew almost nothing about. The service itself isn’t what I remember, however, but the environment in which it was held. You see, this service was held in the gymnasium of a high school. While this might seem like an insignificant detail, or just a normal situation for a church, it made me realize something.
It occurred to me that this place was a beautifully entwined version of two of my favorite places, places I have sought out to find my peace and solace. I used to go to the gym early before practice or games and just sit on the wood floor, sometimes thinking, sometimes trying not to. To this day being in a gym is one of the most comfortable places I can imagine.
On the other side, some of my most significant emotional and spiritual moments have been in my seat during a church service. Moments where I felt God more deeply than I ever had before, where all my doubts and fears were washed away, worship services that brought me into the Throneroom and to the feet of my Jesus, the thin place where nothing separated me from his presence.
It really was almost magic being in there, as we all started to worship, and something cool happened within me, in a building that I had never been to before, in a town that I’d only been through a couple of times, it felt like..
Home is a strange concept for me currently in life. Something that hasn’t been easy for me to have, however, I have kind relatives who have opened their home to me in my time of need, to give me a place to go. I’m sure that if I asked, I could find other kind people willing to take me in as well, but I have chosen to think of this as a temporary situation, to keep my mind on what I am striving for, only allowing myself to be comfortable enough to find my next move.
Being on your own after college and then not on your own is a strange transition, and I never expected to be here. It’s hard to not feel like taking a brave attempt to fly out of the nest, only to fall to the ground. I have a vision for what I think my life could be, but it’s like running on a treadmill, as fast as I can, with everything I want in view, but I can’t reach it.
I guess I’m learning how to be patient, how to believe that I actually do deserve good things. I’m trying not to believe what was told to me recently, that you only lose the things that you never really deserved. I’m trying not to believe it because I’m afraid it might be true. I’m afraid that who I am and what I’ve done has brought me here, and that maybe I’m getting what I deserve.
I think that sometimes I spend too much time thinking about where I’m supposed to be and how long it’s going to take to get there. I’m trying to believe that someday I’ll find that place that feels like the home that is meant for me, that maybe someday I’ll have people, even though I know that some people never do.
Like I said, this week has been hard. Sometimes I have more questions than answers, I guess not every post is going to be profound and put together, but that’s just how things go sometimes.
This week I’ll remind myself that everything is for a season, and that I’m doing the best I can.
Be kind and love people,